loveadvice: Making loving relationships work

A short time ago, I got to thinking about what it is that makes for good relationships. Beyond the obvious ones (you can never have a healthy relationship without good communication, assume good intent from your partner, that sort of thing), I started listing the skills and ideas that have made for good relationships in my life.

The list I came up with looks like this: You can?t expect to have what you want if you don?t ask for what you want. Just because you feel bad doesn?t necessarily mean someone did something wrong. Just because you feel good doesn?t necessarily mean what you?re doing is right. If you?re afraid to say it, that means you need to say it. Expectation on your part does not incur obligation on someone else?s. When you feel something scary or unpleasant, talk about it. Integrity matters. Your partners add value to your life; treat them preciously. Make sure your partner?s heart is safe in your hands. The easiest way to find someone with the qualities you like is to be someone that a person with those qualities finds interesting. People are not commodities; they are never interchangeable. Your partner will do many things that are Not About You. We are born of frailty and error, and must forgive one another?s failings. Different people express love differently; learn to recognize the way others express and receive love. Don?t treat people the way you?d have them treat you; treat them the way they?d have you treat them. Pay attention. Being in a relationship that does not meet your needs is not necessarily better than being alone. Love is abundant. It is not necessary to be the best at everything, or even anything; you alone bring your unique mix of qualities to the table. Relationships that are consciously chosen are usually more rewarding than relationships built on default assumptions. Don?t play games, especially with other people?s hearts. Relationships are often different in theory than in practice . Be flexible. A sense of humor will get you through times of no sanity better than sanity will get you through times of no humor. A partner who chooses to be with you is more satisfying than a partner who can?t leave. Real security comes from within. People are not need fulfillment machines. Don?t look to others to complete you. Life is change. Sometimes you will feel uncomfortable; that?s normal, and not something to be feared. All of us are terrible at predicting how we will feel in new circumstances. When you hurt someone--and you will--suck it up, take responsibility, and do what you can to make it right. Feelings are not fact. Relationships end; it doesn?t mean they were a failure, or that your ex-partners are bad people. Your heart will, at some point, be broken, and that?s okay; you will survive, and find love again. Treat those you love with respect. Fear of intimacy is the enemy of happiness. It is possible for two people to deeply, profoundly love each other but not be good life partners. You can?t be generous or compassionate when you fear loss. Compassion is most necessary when it?s most difficult. Don?t vilify those who hurt you; they are people, too. Being uncomfortable is not, in itself, a reason not to do something. The world is as it is, not as we want it to be. Life?s song is filled with?beauty and chaos and joy and sorrow and pain and uncertainty and ecstasy and heartache?and passion; to fear any of these things is to fear life. Life rewards people who move in the direction of greatest courage.

What would you add to the list?

Source: http://loveadvice.livejournal.com/215501.html

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